humor

I think my new neighbors are Vampires…

…And not the twinkly, vegan kind. I’m sure they’re not vegan because they have a grill set up outside our apartments. Now, I know that you can grill vegetables and such, but I never smelt any grilled vegetables this good before. It’s got to be meat…of some sort. The door opens and closes mostly during the night-time hours, but I do hear it during the day. This is probably their handlers. You know…the humans that take care of their day hour business. Day walkers, but not the kind from Blade. That would be too awesome. I haven’t found any sun screen lying around yet. I expect that’s next. Even though they’re not twinkly or vegan I still expect them to be sensitive.

At the bottom of the stairs that lead up to mine and their doors is a window. This window is usually barren…just something to look out of. As soon as these blood suckers moved in a hanging plant magically appeared in this window. It doesn’t seem to be doing that well though. Almost like a living-dead plant. There are two potted plants outside on the steps now also. They move daily, as if they can’t make up their mind on where the plants should sit. These are some finicky Vamps. Yeah, I forgot to mention that the grill is bike locked to the outside stairs hand rail.

The other day when I was leaving I heard music coming from under the door. I think this is how they put themselves to sleep. Back in the olden times Vampires used crickets, wind chimes and crashing waves to lure themselves to slumber. Now it’s Top 40 radio, beer pong and video games. I don’t think they have a car either, which is also suspicious. The type of people who would use my neck as a Plasma Slurpee are not the type of people to go to a 7-11 to get a regular Slurpee, or better yet…gas. They don’t need gas because they don’t need cars because they can fly or run really fast or turn into a bat…or whatever other train of vampire thought you may be thinking of.

Little vampire
Little vampire (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve never heard any screams coming from the studio across the way. This can mean one of three things. The human-foodie-people-dinner enjoy what’s going on (like on True Blood) or they are glimmering/hypnotizing their meals into going along with it (like on True Blood and Twilight?) or their venom really does have a paralyzing effect on their neck sandwiches (like on The Vampire’s Assistant). Well, it could also mean that these are just some regular guys that are inept in picking up the women…but that’s boring and disproves all I’ve said so far, so we’re not going there.

Side note: Did you know that if you’re Mormon you HAVE to watch Twilight at least once? Yeah, true story. Most people come for the author and Church symbolism…I stayed for Jacob the ladies.

So…does it all add up the same way for you guys? I’m I just a crazy Vampire fan? I mean…my name is Jonathan Hagar, which isn’t much different from Jonathan Harker. Personally, I think the real question should be…which type of Vampire story do you prefer to read or watch?

Underworld (2003 film)
Underworld (2003 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia) Can’t forget about these guys.

21 thoughts on “I think my new neighbors are Vampires…

  1. I prefer reading stories about vampires over watching them. My favorite is Sunshine by Robyn McKinnley. No sparkling, but lots of delish baking and some fairly gruesome vampire gang fights.

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