My first order of business if Elected, err…sorry, Chosen to be the bearer of this most prestigious title, is to do away with (What? Isn’t it appropriate to make grossly inadequate promises that are completely irresponsible and very unobtainable?) Unobtainable – Unobtainium – Avatar – James Cameron – Winner of the Academy Award for best Director of Titanic.
Sorry about that. That’s another thing you get when you choose BroJo. An endless supply of nonsensical trivia. (Did you notice that subliminal message up there?) Where was I, oh yeah…If
Elected Chosen I will fix Global Hunger……Yeah, um…wait, no…too much. If Elected Chosen I will Make all of your wildest dream come true! Yes! But, wait….no, too vague. If Chosen (hey, got it right the first time there) I will eradicate the world of any and all SPAM! (Dun, Dun, Duuuun)
I will do all I can to put an absolute end to this most grievous of travesties. (Grievous – General Grievous – Star Wars – Jar Jar Binks – Gungan – Oppa Gangnam Style – Heeeeyyyy, Sexy Clownie.) Oh boy, sorry, there I go again. Just another reason to pick me….my brain. It’s that thing that sits atop my shoulders, about three feet above me arse. It holds the keys to everything that is needed to be a good….whatever we’re talking about here. Oh yeah, Wrangler! Where was I? That’s right, SPAM.
It. Has. Got. To. Go, and I’m not talking about the jellied meat in a can – that can stay. I won’t eat it, but it can stay nonetheless. (And sorry Emily @ The Waiting. I know how much you like SPAM, but I mean business here!) I can’t put up with the likes of this anymore.
Are you a woman? Do you feel the need to eat healthy? Lose Weight? Clean up around the house? Wash the dishes, or the laundry? How bout makin’ me a sammich? If you said yes to any of these things…these products are for YOU?
How about that hook line. Are you snoring yourself to death? Would you rather go silently into the night instead? Well, here’s the product for you. If you don’t use it…you will DIE!!
Are you a
middle aged old as heck couple that likes to eat rabbit food? We’re already skinny, and you’re still pretty young – but we’re gonna eat this anyway to make you feel like a total fat-aaahhhh….never mind!
Since it’s too late for the little blue pill to work, we are going to offer you this hose. So, along with your dreams…you can now CRUSH that Garden! Man that looks HARD. I hope we can get those tomatoes UP this year.
In closing, I may not be the perfect person to sell these products, but I am the perfect person to head up the ACOFAOAGOJADGJADF™. *smile with sparkle coming from teeth*
So make sure to
vote pick me when the time is right. (Time is right – Price is Right – Drew Carey – Whose Line Is It Anyway? – Colin Mochrie – Canadian – But Wait – Born in the UK – Also born in the UK? – Anthony Sullivan – Half of Pitchmen – The Other Half? – Billy Mays!) BOOM!!
***All Credit for the Photos goes to my E-Mail Inbox***
***Except for Billy Mays, that credit goes to Wikipedia…for the most part***
***Is it okay to give credit to an Inbox? I don’t know what else to do. If I give credit to the sites you all will start receiving this SPAM as well, won’t you. And We don’t want that. How about this, shoot me an e-mail and I’ll forward these on to you so you can see where they came from, if you so wish. Problem fixed – Crisis averted – Shut the front door already!***