The Hagars are a drinking family. Some go full boar and some take it is easy. Some like to make public appearances, and others like to keep a low profile. If I had to compare us to a nursery rhyme I’d say we are kind of like the story of Goldilocks and the three bears, except there’s a fourth bear that’s decided not to eat porridge anymore. Oh, and our Goldi-lie (This is my attempt at spelling a multiple version of Goldilocks) are crazier than all get out. Mustn’t forget that. Why am I telling you all of this? Cause my Faddah is probably the one in the middle – the one that is juuuust right, and that’s who I’m going to be talking about today.
What to include in a Faddah post? I could show a picture of him and Bruddah and ask you to guess which is which. (You’d probably lose that one.) I could speak of all the amazing stories I’ve heard time and time again. I think that would be too easy, and something I could do later on. No, I’m going to talk about the fact that I missed out on being the “blank” my dad says guy. The only problem is some of this stuff might be bad, if taken out of context, so I’ll do my best to explain it all.
I’ve talked a couple of times about being raised Catholic. Faddah was too, but during a different time. When Faddah was in grade school all of the Mass’s were given in Latin. You can imagine the sort of things a smart talking kid could come up with. First, when you enter and exit the Church (among other times) you give the sign of the Cross. The best way I’ve heard this described is from Faddah.
Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet, Watch.
So, this is how you perform this sign, but like I said, back then it was spoken in Latin. What is said during Church is In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. In Latin that is in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritūs Sancti. At the local VFW I ran into an old family friend. Old as in Faddah’s age. We got to talking and he started joking about saying the above in Latin, but replacing the words with,
I can beat you all in dominoes
I started laughing and said that I wasn’t sure if Faddah would appreciate that. He looked at me and said “Whatta ya mean? He’s the one that taught it to all of us!” Ah, glad to see you were so helpful back then.
Faddah likes his food as much as he likes his drinks. You should know too, Faddah is a type of person that will see a fly in his drink and say “Hey, protein’s free”, but he prefers his protein from other places. He prefers his protein to come from pigs. So much so I’ve heard him repeat Emeril many times, PORK FAT RULES. He likes bacon so much I’ve actually seen him wrap Hebrew National hotdogs with it. His favorite saying for meat of the pig variety is
You know why Pork is so good? Because it’s only one letter away from Porn!
The one thing he loves to enjoy the most, along with his brew-skies and bacon wrapped racism (I kid, I kid) is baseball. Living in SW Missouri it’s probably no surprise that he is a Cardinals fan. (I will make sure to give him all of your condolences) He’s definitely not a fair weather fan, but that doesn’t stop him from yelling at his team. If someone plays bad in the first game of the year they are pretty much a bum from then on out. Some players have it coming. There is a player on the team named Salas.
Never trust a guy whose name you can spell the same way backwards.
When he’s not watching the game Faddah can usually be found relaxing on the front porch. While there he sees all sorts of things. He lives on a corner. He yells at cars for driving too fast, and for not stopping at the stop sign. A half of a block down the road is a car wash. Faddah has lived in that house long enough he knows who owns the place, and what they drive. (It’s a Lexus) When he sees the guy drive by he offers this up
Gotta get those quarters. Get those quarters boy. Hey, how many quarters does it take to buy a Lexus anyways?
Well, I think that’s enough….for now. The next one will be an animal post. Where did the name of his dog come from? Why is Bruddah so scared of roaches? What do you call a group of mice?
Thank you all for reading the first Funny Dad Friday post. Let me know what you think.
You might also enjoy His Name Was Robert Paulson… A story about a dad, that’s not my own, that also had a sense of humor.