blogging · events · Everything · funny · History · humor · memories · Oddities · Stories

Why I’m Growing My Mustache

The following story is not for the faint of heart. It is personal, somewhat gross, and entirely true. Please read at your own risk.

When I first found out what Movember was all about I was a little excited. I finally have a reason to not shave, and almost everyone will understand when I explain it to them. Win-Win. Shaving is the worst thing in the world. Why did “the times” decide that cleaned shaved was the way to go? What happened to the little girls that would send our Presidents letters suggesting

…if you let your whiskers grow I will try and get the rest of them to vote for you. You would look a great deal better for your face is so thin. All the ladies like whiskers and they would tease their husbands to vote for you and then you would be President. ~ Grace Bedell, in a letter to Abraham Lincoln, a few weeks before the Presidential election.

But alas, this ‘not shaving’ will only last for the remainder of the month. On November 1st I will be shaving everything off of my face, and starting all over, growing just the mustache. I haven’t been without the loyal ‘goat’ for about twelve years now. I’m not too awful excited about this, but I am excited about the meaning behind it – Movember.

Movember is an annual, month-long event involving the growing of moustaches during the month of November to raise awareness of prostate cancer and other male cancer initiatives. After deciding to go through with this event I started thinking about whether or not I had any personal connections to prostate or testicular cancer. My uncle is a lung cancer survivor. I’m sure I have another uncle who is also a cancer survivor of some sort. But, could I put myself closer to the situation, personally. After I thought this, a memory popped up, and I shivered uncontrollably for about 10 seconds. I can relate – sort of. This would be a good time to put the kids to bed. I’m only thirty, so I’m not quite ready for the yearly check-up, yet. But I now know what to expect.

I’m not a ‘doctor person’, which means I don’t like going to see the doctor. Everything I’ve ever had wrong with me I’ve been able to cure with Ibuprofen and NyQuil, until… When I was around 21 I developed kidney stones. These were very painful; they caused me to think that my entire insides had exploded. There was no staying away from the hospital this time. I drove to my mom’s house, woke her up, and asked her to drive me to the emergency room. (I was still pretty young, I wanted my mommy.) While there I received several bags of fluid and a couple of prescriptions to help with the pain. I think this caused me to not be so afraid of the doctor.

About a year after this I started noticing blood when I would wipe myself while on the toilet. Bright red, very noticeable. At first I blamed it on something else, something so dumb I don’t even remember what it was. Then I did the very worst thing possible. I went online to see what might be wrong with me. By the time I was done I was convinced that I had colon cancer and bleeding ulcers and even a brain tumor. With all this I was still able to make an appointment with the doctor. I don’t remember much from this trip, but what I do remember counts, where it hurts, so to speak.

Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor
This Doctor may have gone easier on me.*

The visit was pretty normal, with all of the regular questions.

Do you smoke?


How much?

Too much.

Yep, well you better quit.


Do you drink?


How much?

Oh, not too bad.

 Okay, keep an eye on that. (Shoulda listened, huh?) Alright, so what is the problem?

There’s blood in my stool.

Oh, well, we’re going to have to check it out.

Okay….wait….what do you mean…“check it out”?

Well, bend over the table and drop your pants.

Oh….okay….you’re the doctor. (This is all internal. I couldn’t muster a word at this point.)

Alright, don’t worry, you’re going to feel some pressure and this might feel like a ball bat.

He actually said this to me!! Can you believe this? Dr. Sausage Fingers strikes again. He finished and gave me a few paper towels to clean myself up. I felt so dirty. It was at this time that he finally told me what he was suspecting the problem to be. I have/had internal hemorrhoids. No big deal. I would maybe have a little discomfort from time to time, but nothing for them to do unless they go from internal to external. I haven’t had any problems for years. And, that was the last time I went to the doctor. Good thing I’ve been healthy since then. Or at least I’ve acted healthy since then.

I am a member of the Bloggers for Movember. I was directed towards this great event by Le Clown, via this post. If you would like to participate please click the links that are provided. Mustaches aren’t that creepy if everyone has one.

*Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

12 thoughts on “Why I’m Growing My Mustache

  1. Well, that was lovely over my coffee. I did Movember last year, but my moustache gets really nasty. I look like a creeper. I don’t like shaving one bit, so whenever I’m not around my fiancee I’ll thin it out every week, but I’m never smooth. Now I’m going for a beard, so I’m already good for November. Good luck!

    1. Glad you enjoyed it. I don’t think my mustache will be much better. Should be interesting. I know a couple guys that have decided not to shave until March. That’s a bit crazy for me.

  2. You poor dear. I must confide that I had a very similar experience– senior year of college, I was blessed with wicked gastronintestnal pain. Led to a diagnosis of Crohn’s disease, but not before a doctor totally bent me over the table. And not in the sexy Nip/Tuck, Grey’s Anatomy, other “doctors having sex with each other and patients and stuff” shows.
    Probably the sexiest thing to ever happen to a person, I’m sure you can agree.
    (Stay strong, brother)

  3. They should have to ask before invading your chocolate starfish, especially if they are invading it with anything that can be compared to a sporting apparatus. Forgive me for calling it chocolate starfish. I am officially gross.

    1. Well, to tell you the truth I didn’t know what you were talking about until you apologized. I was having Limp Bizkit flash backs for a minute. (I’m kind of slow some times.) Yes, now that I’m on board, they should ask first. And, they should not compare it to ANYTHING right before they go in, especially a ball bat.

  4. You put that picture up just for me didn’t you, you sweet boy you!

    and by the way, Shortbus is a 20 year Testicular Cancer survivor.

    I will have to make sure to tell him about Movember and see if he is game for some awesome ‘stash-tast-ic-ness!

    1. Oh….I should have remembered that. Just the other day I was trying to figure out who we give a hard time about the “one nut” thing. Thanks. Now I have all sorts of stuff to write about!

      1. Yeppers. I always wondered why they called him “Uno” all through High School but didn’t know.

        He was also thinking of going with “Uni-Nutter” with the Derby thing but decided on Shortbus lol

You Know You Want to Say Something...

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s