Today has been a truly wonderful day. I was able to attend our Stake Center Dedication. It was a wonderful experience, one I probably won’t forget. Our Ward was in charge of helping people park, and because of this they reserved some seating for us right up front. That was especially nice. There were four wonderful talks and as many wonderful music numbers. I don’t think I can adequately describe how awesome it was. And I mean AWEsome as I was in AWE, you know, how you’re supposed to use the word. Because of this I’ve decided to cop-out and try to answer some more questions. This should be awesome, as in the wrong way to use the word – but it should still be pretty good.
This is a list of questions I’ve found entitled “Funny Questions with no Answers”. One, I’ll be the judge of that, and B, I’ll be the judge of that. Let’s see how this goes, shall we?
1.- Can you cry under water? Depends how sad the movie is.
2.- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Doesn’t matter how important, just whether or not you’re the President – of something. I better watch out.
3.- Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to? We don’t make pennies anymore, so don’t worry about it.
4.- Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Either way there’s not a doubt in my mind that I’ll be pretty fly for a white guy.
5.- Why does a round pizza come in a square box? You can’t fold round edges!! I really hate this question. It’s like asking “why do you put potato chips in a tennis ball canister?” You just do, now shut it!
6.- What disease did cured ham actually have? Ham is gross, therefore, cured or not it is still diseased, at least in my eyes.
7.- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Both of these things happened WAY before I was born, so that means they are both extraordinarily unimportant. (This IS a joke by the way.) I guess the astronauts didn’t take any luggage with them.
8.- Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours? This one is pretty dumb too. All babies wake up LIKE every two hours?
9.- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If a dumb person is eating colored candy are they still called smarties?
10.- Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV? I prefer to be on the other side of radio.
11.- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? I bring my own binoculars, and I don’t go all the way up either. I use them to look the rest of the way up. That’s what happens when you’re scared of heights.
12.- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway. The ‘laying down naked’ looks way different then the ‘standing up naked’. At least I think so.
13.- Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural? All clothes you were from the waist down are plural. Jeans, shorts, trunks, pants, skeevies. You have two legs, and only one midsection.
14.- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? You’ve probably burnt water too, haven’t ya?
15.- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? That’s funny. I don’t remember reading anything about corn. That stuff shows up at the weirdest times.
16.- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? I’ve been dying to find this out.
17.- If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat? He already used up all the coconuts, duh.
18.- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs! Pluto isn’t a planet anymore.
19.- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner? You would deprive every one of those classics?
20.- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? That girl from Dirty Dancing. She was left in the corner for too long.
21.- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? It’s pronounced Mormon.
22.- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? No, one has 27 beats, and the other one has a different number.
23.- Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do you build me up, buttercup…
One of my favorite jokes from a guy named Mitch Hedberg went a little something like this. Where do you see yourself in five years? Celebrating the five year anniversary of you asking me that question!!