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Butternut Squash Will Mess. You. Up…

And you don’t have to take my word for it.

The other day someone told me that in AA they tell you that it’s best to not tell any “war” stories. I knew there was a reason that I never wanted to go to AA. Actually, I didn’t want to join AA cause it was too “Churchy” for me. Does anyone see the irony in this? Anyway, if I didn’t tell “war” stories I wouldn’t have anything to talk about, and you wouldn’t have anything to read. Check this out.

Early on in my drinking career I manged to get myself into a rhythm. After so many years this turns from a rhythm into a rut, but we can get to that later. What I would, usually, do is show up to our local bowling alley right after work. Our bowling alley, that is no longer there (I was 22 when it closed down), also had a restaurant attached to it. In the restaurant there was a bar area. This is where I spent most of my Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, from about 5 p.m. to 9 or 10 p.m. After so many drinks, 5 to 7, I would walk over to the bowling alley side to shoot pool and listen to the jukebox. This went on for right about a year. Most of the nights were pretty simple, usually fun, with no real stories to talk about. Most of the time. Then there was the night I got cut off. And I’m not talking about “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here” kind of cut off. I’m talking about – there is plenty of time to keep on drinking – kind of cut off.

The day started  out with one of my buddies giving me a call. Let’s call him Gimpy. Now, Gimpy and me got/get along all right, but we never really hung out just the two of us that much. This day it was just him and me. I can’t fully remember but I think it may have been snowing this day too. Something else was going on like he need to borrow some money, or he wanted my opinion on something or something else. What I do remember is that he had a large bottle of ButterShots  and offered to share it with me. ButterShots is a brand name of Butterscotch Schnaps. Remember this. So, we shared some of this bottle and then headed on to a dive bar in town. We each had a couple-three drinks, shot some pool and then headed onto a different bar. We did the same thing at the new place, always remembering to enjoy some ButterShots in between our trips. After, we decided to head on to the Bowling Alley/Restaurant. This is where I say, “Kids (and adults) don’t try this at home.”

A butternut squash. Cultivar "zenith"...
A butternut squash. Cultivar “zenith”. Cucurbita moschata, Jardin des Plantes, Paris. Anonymous decoration. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We showed up to the place already drunk. This is the first time I had ever done so at this drinking establishment. My favorite two bartenders where working this night. They’re my favorites because of their memories. Each time since then they have always been able to remind me of this night. Thanks a lot for that, ladies. Anyway, we proceeded in and instantly became the life of the party, I think. Don’t really remember much, which is a good thing. After a couple of more drinks I started to get a little to flirty with one of the bartenders. I’m sure her husband wouldn’t have minded, but I think she was starting to get embarrassed. I don’t see any reason to get into all of my inappropriate comments I was making. Something about showers and hugs and maybe something else. I think you get the picture. It took a good, solid five minutes of this before I got the ole “Alright Jon, I think you’ve had enough. Here’s some coffee. Sober up.” Yes ma’am. I was still in a good enough frame of mind to ask for cream and sugar though, I do remember that. But this isn’t the embarrassing part, for myself.

When we walked in it was very apparent that we were well on our way to being muffed up. I proceeded to tell all of them that we were drunk on Butternut Squash. Like the vegetable. Yeah, I drank half of a bottle of Butternut Squash. They just loved giving me a hard time about that. “Hey Jon, had any Butternut Squash lately? HeHeHe.” “Jon, you want a shot of Butternut Squash? It’s on me. HaHaHa.” I’m happy to have been able to give them something to laugh about for all of these years.

Anybody have any stories that can compare to this one?

7 thoughts on “Butternut Squash Will Mess. You. Up…

  1. Hehe I like stories like this. Such a little moment in time. I can’t think of any stories like this off the top of my head, but I know I have some. Actually….
    One time on my 21st birthday I threw up in this pub’s bathroom all over the floor. I didn’t make it to the toilet. I had my birthday there the next year and when I walked in the door, the owner of the pub said, “I’ll get the mop and bucket!” Lovely…

    1. That’s pretty awesome. I have a similar story, but it has to do with food at Burger King. A few years ago they introduced fried taco’s, kind of like what Jack-in-the-Box sells. It was the new hot item. Back then a bunch of my office mates would all pile in to one car and go out to lunch together. After about two visits the manager was on to us. The next time he saw us walk in the door he hollered back “Drop Tacos!!”

      They don’t sell them anymore but the bar downtown started to a few months ago. I go in every once in a while for them. A friend of mine saw me in there about three months ago and said “You quit drinking and smoking, how can you be in here?” I gotta eat. Bar food is still pretty good, sometimes.

      1. Bar/pub food is pretty good, I’m not gonna lie. That’s pretty awesome. I love being known for my order. I also like telling people that I’ll have “the usual”. That’s pretty rare though.

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