blogging · Everything · humor · Oddities · tv/movies

You know what would make it better? That’s right, put a Mormon in it.

I’ve been very nostalgic lately. I don’t have cable or satellite, and I’m starting to miss them. I watch a lot of DVDs, mostly to have background noise while I’m doing my all important, self assigned, writing scenarios. I’ve also ventured out to the movie theater quite often. This year I’ve seen The Avengers, The Hunger Games and Mission: Impossible-Ghost Protocol. I haven’t been let down yet, so I’m planning on going to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter this afternoon. I will let you know how that goes. But, I’m not here to talk about the movies I’ve seen. I want to talk about the TV show’s I’m missing, but with a twist. It’s about time for Mormon Characters to make a more mainstream appearance. Now, I’m not talking about Big Love or Sister Wives. Those programs show the lives of a few people who call themselves Mormons. They are among the 1% when it comes to the Mormon faith. No, I want to concentrate on the 99%, the Mormons that don’t live on compounds, have more than one wife or stockpile an abundance of artillery that could wipe out the state of Utah. I want to talk about the people who you probably don’t know much about. (If this page wasn’t entitled LDS Convert Blog, would you think I was Mormon? Probably not.) Alright, now let’s see how some LDS characters would stack up inside some of your favorite shows.

Warning: A few of you are going to be laughing your eyes out, or giggling your faces off, whichever you prefer, while you are reading this. For that I say, You’re Welcome. There will be some inside jokes happening. If you are offended I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be rude, just observant. If you can laugh at yourself then you won’t mind when others are laughing at you.

I was inspired to continue with this after someone called me a “cool cat Mormon”. You bet your sweetness I am.

Alright, where should we start? How about we start with the post-apocalyptic horror/drama, zombie genre (Say that five times fast). Let me see, there are so many to choose from…oh yeah, The Walking Dead. (Side note: Zombieland was originally going to be made into a TV show. Good thing for us the execs didn’t like that idea. Walking Dead is much better.) This is a very good show…..but. You know what would make it better? That’s right, put a Mormon in it. Before I start let me tell you what this show is about (if you don’t already know.) A sheriff’s deputy of a small town outside of Atlanta wakes up in the hospital only to see that everyone is dead, or are they? He soon realizes that he is in a Zombie Apocalypse and set’s out to find his family. He finds them, along with a few other people, and they continue, just trying to stay alive. Can you imagine what this show would be like with a Mormon in it? I wonder what his name would be? This is based on a comic book so it would probably be alliterative, like Eric Ericson or Dan Daniels. But, it would also have to be ironic, so…..we will have to settle with Mark Makers. (Get it?) Mark would be somewhat whiny and the “I told you so” person in the group.

“Come on guys. We really need to read our scriptures this time. We haven’t for two weeks and we’ve had 14 people eaten since then. Come on, you promised.”

“Oh, alright.” And lets not forget the “I told you so part.”

“I told you He was coming again. Didn’t I? I did. But you guys never listen to me.  It’s okay, now you know.”

“Yes Mark, we believe you now. Please continue with the stop smoking workshop already. We’d like to get baptized before the next round of Walkers comes around.”

“Okay, cinnamon gum, grapefruit juice, cinnamon mouth wash, cinnamon, cinnamon, and Vitamin C. Here, take this stop smoking pictures and hang them up all around your tents.”

I hate to say it but Mark probably wouldn’t stick around that long. And his demise might not come at the “hand” of a Walker, if you know what I mean.

The other show that I thought could use a Mormon character is one of my favorites, The Office. Can you imagine this? I sure can. His name would be easy. The majority of dude Mormons I know are named Ben, so that’s what it would be. This is The Office so last names aren’t really that important, but some of the characters would call him Ben Mormon, just because. They would think that this is the most original, witty pun of all times. He would be friends with Jim, cause everyone is friends with Jim, but that wouldn’t stop Jim from messing with him. Jim would conveniently forget that Ben doesn’t drink coffee, and offer him a cup….EVERY MORNING. This would go on for quite some time, finally ending with an argument where Ben tells Jim that he belongs in a Tool Shed. (The meanest thing he could say without sounding rude.) Don’t forget about Dwight. Dwight would be after all of his secrets, and Ben would probably egg him on a little. Dwight would think him a magician, and would do anything he could to get some “magic underwear.” Ben, of course, would never cave in. Dwight would get frustrated and say

“Fine, I don’t need them anyway. And, you know what? I bet Gandalf would beat Joseph Smith in a battle anyway.”

Jim “No he wouldn’t. Gandalf isn’t real, Joseph Smith is.”

Dwight “HOW DARE YOU.”

Ben “He’s right Dwight, and you know what? Joseph Smith wouldn’t just beat Gandalf in a battle. He could beat Dumbledore, Katniss, Thor, The Crow and that one guy from Battlestar Galactica, all at the same time.”

Jim “Yeah, oh, I think you forgot a couple. He-Man, Wolverine, Captain American…you know what….scratch that…all of the Avengers and the Borg. All losing.”

Dwight “*gasps* MICHAEL!!”

Ben and Jim “Michael doesn’t work here….”

Dwight “Shut up. You’re both idiots” Then Dwight runs to the stairwell to compose himself.

Ben would be the best salesman, period. This is because he is the nicest, most honest guy on the team. Jim and Dwight would end up respecting him. Angela would think that he’s the devil. Meredith and Oscar would both try to…you know. Andy would have a “nice-off” with him, everyday. Ryan would convert, because it’s the new and cool thing, but he would only last for about two weeks. This is probably the only person Robert California would not be able to figure out. He would fear Ben for this reason. Ben would not use it for his benefit, but he would help out his office mates.

So, there you have it. What other TV shows would benefit from a Mormon character? (Better yet, which shows wouldn’t benefit from it, ya know what I sayin?)

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. ~ Philippians 4: 8

8 thoughts on “You know what would make it better? That’s right, put a Mormon in it.

  1. He might beat the Borg but I doubt he’ll ever beat Picard… WAIT!!! Picard must have been a Mormon of the DL!!!!

  2. Picard was/is/will be too fond of his Earl Grey tea to be a Latter-day Saint. But he’s indecisive enough to be a scoutmaster!

    If any Trek character was/is/will be LDS, it would have to be Spock. Remember Kirk’s line from Star Trek IV: Get Them Whales — “He did a little too much LDS in the 60s.”

  3. awesome. I think I always worry that when someone joins our church that people making fun of us will bother them (because they haven’t grown up being made fun of, so they aren’t used to it.) Your post about the JC wives made me laugh and made me realize that my worries were groundless-at least in your case.

    And Spock would totally be a Mormon. It’s the only logical choice.

    1. It probably helps that I did grow up being made fun of, it just wasn’t about being Mormon. I’ve learned how to deal with it over the years. That’s where the humor comes in.

      I have to agree about Spock.

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